This post is probably going to be quite long but there is a lot that I wanted to get off my chest. A lot has happened (considerably) since I returned home from Europe. I was busy working majority of the time and when I wasn't working, I was resting or relaxing. Yeah, I had my share of fun along the way but I wouldn't say it was ideal. Especially when my senior year at College began. The first four weeks have been really tough on me. Mostly because me and my roommates have been looking for the perfect apartment for us. So much effort was put into the search and was let down twice. I couldn't focus on school, I was constantly exhausted from trekking up, down, left, right-- throughout all of Manhattan. Did I mention I have been commuting? Or sleeping on couches and showering at work? Tough. Every time I had the chance to go home, to Bellport, I did and I still do. I mean, I would rather sleep in my own bed than crashing on a couch. The point is that I am home. The past four years I have always had the luxury to be home whenever and as often as I please since I only went to school in the city. An external viewer may think "must be nice," but internally, from my point of view, it makes me feel... different. I don't have the luxury of being away from the past as easily. No option of creating a huge circle of friends aside from the ones from home. Meeting new people is hard. Being twenty something is like being forty seven, full time job, working to pay rent and no time to go to keg parties. I am not saying I hate my life. Granted, people my age (my friends, yours) want this life. They envy it and I don't blame them. The part of me that is writing this can't seem to get that one foot in front and its stuck in the past. I look at people that I am no longer friends with or have any connection with anymore and think to myself: "how lucky," "they move on quick," or "they seem happy." Yeah, I have excelled and grown as a student, professional, adult, employee and all of the above. But why is it that the most important thing to me, happiness and love, are so hard for me to find. Is it because I desire too much? "You can't always get what you want..." plays in the back of my head.
Then I think back to three days ago when I had an epiphany, I tweeted,
"
Change is happening. ," and "
Things are going tostart changing... control " I was driving around town (that just made me cringe, being in TOWN and not in the city) and realized that as much as I cared, I was careless. Meaning I was careless about me, myself. I have to stop saying that I don't care what I look like and that I eat too much and start loving myself. I should take advantage of my amazing part-time job, work out, stay in shape, consistently eat health, and present myself physically and mentally as the go-getting, out-going, bubbly person that I am. Things are going t get better. Better things are coming my way, even more good people are waiting to enter my world, I just need to let the universe let it... and that starts with me. There are a lot of things I am asking for in the work and it all comes down to happiness and love. I truly believe that there is a lot of things waiting for me and there also is someone who will make me feel like I'M the lucky one, that I AM the one who moves on, and that I AM happy... in reality I am, but its my life and am taking it to a new level.
Xx
